The Best Valentine

On Valentine’s Day, “Miriam” gets a hand and a smile exiting the bus that brought her home after living in shelter for over three months.

Having a moniker like “Kiki Valentine” makes every February 14th especially poignant since it’s the day that best represents – despite its deeply-based roots in what I like to call “Catholic gore” – love and all that it means. This year, I have the gift of reflecting on the wedding ceremonies I wrote and officiated, the bringing together of two lives in a sense and ceremony of traditional love. I’m so glad I have had those experiences. What can I say? I love love.

Another great personal love story is the sordid tale of a population of just over 100 elderly and disabled Hurricane Sandy evacuees from Belle Harbor Manor in Far Rockaway, Queens whom I met while volunteering at the Park Slope Armory’s temporary medical shelter last October. The first overnight I volunteered, I planned on being there for four hours but instead I stayed until eight the following morning. I just couldn’t leave if I knew I could help a few more people; most volunteers would leave each night after midnight, leaving a true skeleton crew to assist, walking the rows, flashlight in hand, to see if anyone was awake and had any needs. In the days that followed, I spent hours in the dark sorting, organizing and distributing clothing donations. That was a really great way to connect with people, they would come up to the fenced-in area, tell me what they needed, and I was, basically, a “personal shopper” for them, since I knew best what colors and sizes were available. I cut the fingernails of patients (because the nurses weren’t allowed to). In fact, out of all of the supplies and medical support in the shelter, there were no nail clippers anywhere. During the Nor’Easter following Sandy, I set out in the snowstorm to find some. The man whose nails I cut that night, Eddie, is a resident of Belle Harbor Manor and it turned out we have a mutual friend in common from the ‘old neighborhood”, Red Hook.

During the course of November, I bought so many pairs of mens and womens underwear I lost count. I spent overnights armed with latex gloves and a flashlight sorting donations and taking blind people to the bathroom in the dark, amazed that my usually fragile sense of smell had somehow strengthened to be able to keep on going. Only one night did someone’s “accident” cause me to uncontrollably gag, and that was when I was reminded of how amazing nurses are. I learned about the magnificent glory of “chucks”, which are basically giant blue absorbent pads placed onto wheelchairs in the event adult diapers leaked. There were a lot of pathogens involved with volunteering, and odors – especially when the shelter was operating at full capacity with 500 patients. Since the Armory is a gymnasium, all of the cots were arranged within the indoor track, so my slapstick wheeling of patients along the track allowed for some comic relief. Later I moved, in the rain, with residents from shelter to shelter, transporting them with Zipcars, in times of need, and staying with them past visiting hours if they asked me to. I fed them, clothed them, secretly brought them donuts and coffee and have spent countless hours on the phone with the OEM, Department of Health and FEMA on their behalf,sometimes speaking high school Spanish, or attempting, as I needed so desperately at times, to channel the ability to speak Chinese to help them file their claims (it didn’t happen). I made a lot of calls to friends in very high (and very low) places to lend a hand, and as a result small amenities like a daily newspaper delivery ended up changing a lot of people’s lives. Throughout, I have been forced to consider the way that we, as Americans – and as New Yorkers – treat our aging population. And during my journey what I discovered incensed me.

ICL Milestone at Creedmor Psychiatric Campus, Queens, NY

ICL Milestone at Creedmor Psychiatric Campus, Queens, NY. Looks spooky, because it is spooky.

After the first three weeks, when 350 other residents were discharged from the Armory, I knew that I was making an invisible commitment to make sure they were “okay”. Little did I know they would need a lot more help then I or anyone could ever imagine. After the first six weeks, they had lived in three separate shelters which, each time, meant that several garbage bags full of belongings (donations obtained from myself and others) would be lost. Seven weeks after the storm they were still sleeping on “Army cots”, and a ramshackle team of volunteers, advocates, and caring humans did all they could, called everyone they knew might be able to help, and change eventually started to occur. A check from the Attorney General was signed, beds were delivered (just in time for a quasi-outbreak of bedbugs).

On the heels of the shooting back home in Sandy Hook and a truly cheerless holiday, on Christmas Day I decided to advocate full time for Belle Harbor Manor’s residents, and, for the past 106 days of our lives, I have been part of one of the greatest love stories I have ever known. Full of hope, optimism, and scandal – as any good love story is – in the end, after all of the dead ends that I somehow bulldozed through, after getting lost in Queens in the dark and the drives home in tears calling anyone I could think of who might help (thank you Allen Salkin), I have to laugh about the fact that I was not once but twice kicked out of the psychiatric hospital residents were sheltered in.

The first day residents were transferred to the Creedmor Psychiatric Campus, I was told that I had to be credentialed and complete a background check in order to be on the property, of which I attempted to initiate while stalling on the phone with ICL Senior management. I didn’t want to lose access to them in this institution. It was more ike a prison than a hospital, and it felt like there was much dark energy throughout. The VP of Bologna eventually told me, with security standing over me trying to get me out, that she couldn’t do anything about the site administrator’s decision. Leaving there that day, I asked the receptionist for a pen, to which she began reaching for each pen on the counter to move it from my reach. Sadistic, sociopathic. I didn’t want to imagine how these residents would be treated. For the first time in my life I uttered the words, “You don’t know who you’re fucking with” and think I lived up to it.

I also somehow narrowly escaped the risk of contracting both bed bugs and scabies, two events which sent other volunteers directly to the pharmacist and into an alarmed spin that included some medication, a lotion, that you slather on and sleep in. The point of this rather unpoetic stream of consciousness is that these residents, in all of their shining diversity, have made me reevaluate who I am as a person and what my purpose as a human in this life at this time really means. They have encouraged me to think outside the box, ignore stereotypes, exercise patience, to not fear mental illness, to overcome a weak sense of smell, to continue to stand up for what is right, to keep on asking questions, to be a better cold caller, to overcome insurmountable obstacles (any dealings with politicians excluded) and challenges, to connect with other like-minded people who also really care about others, and to develop a sense of strength I had long forgotten that the seed of was within me. All of this motivation and impetus wasn’t always direct or painless, and it certainly was not planned. After the overwhelming experience of being in the Park Slope Armory that first night, I kept going back. I could not leave these suffering strangers. Besides, I didn’t have electricity or heat at home, we had an eight-foot storm surge. People – especially my family – have asked why I had gotten myself so involved, and I didn’t have an answer; I simply followed my heart.

It was anguishing to know that this aging and disabled population, most with no family or support, were left to suffer and be the pawns in a struggle between the City of New York and the State of New York’s Department of Health, and that they were paying upwards of $1900 in rent each month to live on the campus of a remote psychiatric hospital in Queens. I often found myself wondering,”If not for us, who will help them?” Certainly not the long list of “burned out” professional case workers I encountered, fighting their own fights against what was right (humanism) vs. what they were being told to do (red tape). There was anger and strife throughout, for the residents, for the volunteers, for the staff, for the journalists. And yet from all of this, compassion, friendship and love were born. To me, the strange but beautiful part of the story is that of all the shelters residents found themselves in, if given the choice to return to the setting the Armory provided, every single one of them says they would rather be there than, shockingly, back home at Belle Harbor Manor.

There are so many people I wish to thank, and I will attempt to do so in the event they are, like me, set up with Google Alerts for themselves. In the meantime, I plan on writing more about this. The harsh reality is that my relationship to these people isn’t over once they return home. They still have needs. Many are the victims of looting. Their belongings and cash, thought to be safely locked, needing replacement. Social security cards, passports, green cards, and more. I am set to look at the long-term disaster relief and planning required for others like them. I will again need to make those calls and send email to others who might be able to help me be of better service to others. For now, however, I will sleep tonight, relieved for the first time in 107 days. This what love looks like to me this Valentine’s Day. Home. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about how many people have touched my life since this storm washed away all of my fear. Thank you.

“If your name is Kiki then I’m changing my name to ‘Voodoo'”, she said. And from then it was clear that despite our differences, we would be friends. Today was our goodbye to shelter #3, Creedmor (although she did like the free use of computers, stating, “There is so much information on the Internet! I need to get a computer of my own!”

To my left, Tom Fortune, who, while at the Armory on my overnight rounds, never asked me for anything. I went on this wild portable radio shopping obsession because I felt it was critical that while in shelter, people should be able listen to the news, or most importantly, to music, to feel connected with what we would later refer to as “the outside”. When I brought the radio to him, he in his wheelchair on the four lane track amongst a population of 500, he said “Give it to someone who needs it.” I replied, “But I got this for you.” Here we are 106 days later and he says, “Of course we’ll stay in touch. I’ll call you every time my radio runs out of batteries.” To my right, the sweet and caring Donna Rubin.

After the donation sorting and organizing at The Armory (an enormous undertaking every night), the library at Milestone Residence at Creedmor Psychiatric Hospital is transformed into a donation center. Now, the shelves are bare and belonging, transported in black garbage bags similar to those the residents were living out of, have returned “home”.

When I received this card and opened it, I felt that the hours of sacrifice and hard work were somehow able to culminate into this one simple and unexpected thank you. Just touching to the 1,000,000th degree.

THANK YOU (in no order and I am hoping I haven’t forgotten any/many):

The residents and staff of Belle Harbor Manor
RI-1 DMAT
Ali Hodin-Baier, Aging in New York Fund
Amy Parsons, The American Red Cross (and now, a friend)
Jake from the Washington Conservation Corps
Caron Atlas http://www.artsanddemocracy.org
AmeriCorps team members
The Amory volunteers
The Kings Hotel volunteers
The Creedmor volunteers
Casey Shea
Nicholas Verburgt (Express Men’s sock donations)
Maria Provenzano and the CenterLight staff at Kings Hotel
Amy Glosser, CERT & online volunteer infrastructure developer
Meryl Blackman
Justin the FEMA inspector
David Caruso, The Associated Press
Doug Kuntz (do gooder, photographer, rabble rouser)
Brett Cotter http://www.stressbegone.org
Laura Black, NYC OEM
JK Canepa, CIAD
Geoff Lieberman, CIAD
Amanda Bickerstaff, UWS Loves
Suzanne Windland, SNAP & all that she has done and continues to do!
Christina Komploris, NY Post/WSJ donations
Richard Shults Jr., NY Post/WSJ donations
Andy McCallihan, NY Post/WSJ donations
Jill Cornell, donations and all of her work in the Rockaways
JC Hopkins, volunteer and transportation!
Pam Koner, mobile phones for residents
Jerry Probst, FEMA inspector and encouraging, awesome soul
Felice Steele, The American Red Cross (and also a diligent do-gooder!)
Maureen Italiano, ICL Milestone staffer who challenged me
Larissa, ICL Milestone staffer who really cares about people
Brad Lander, City Councilman & Staff
Joseph Ger Ph.D, BCBA-D
Brad Harrelson, The American Red Cross, Texas (helped connect family members)
Nannearl Blackshear, Brooklyn Borough President’s Office
Lynda Lowe, FEMA
Peggy Mott, FEMA
Krystal Reyes
Oswald Ramsammy, NY Times donations
Justin Silverman, connections to newspaper donations
Christine Kessler (helped us find a lost resident)
Marina Tsamplina, NY Helps NY
Megan Byrn
Parker Tracey and Dave Escovitz at Char No. 4 who covered shifts for me so I could help
AND TO EVERYONE who donated!
Dave Ankers
Dennis and Jeni Espantman
Lael @ FIND Home Furnishings, Brooklyn
Duben Canales & Jasmine Heikura
Keara Driscoll
Maria Esther Hammck
William Groner
Kristina Kroger
Selma Kalousek
Beezlebabe Siren
Margaret Welch
Karen Cowdell
Annie Chambliss
Jay Christensen
Simon Durkin
Farzin Lofti-Jam

NY Homes For Elderly Under Scrutiny After Sandy

Belle Harbor Manor residents line up to receive their monthly allowance despite allegations that they are paying rent while living in shelter on the campus of a psychiatric facility in Queens. Photo: Kristine Rakowsky

Belle Harbor Manor residents line up to receive their monthly allowance despite allegations that they are paying rent while living in shelter on the campus of a psychiatric facility in Queens. Photo: Kristine Rakowsky

NY Homes For Elderly Under Scrutiny After Sandy

by The Associated Press

January 04, 2013 5:20 PM

NEW YORK (AP) — A nursing home and an assisted living facility are under scrutiny by state officials and an advocacy group after The Associated Press disclosed that hundreds of elderly and disabled people forced to evacuate by Superstorm Sandy were still sleeping on cots in cramped and sometimes oppressive conditions almost two months later.

New York’s attorney general sent two investigators to the Bishop Henry B. Hucles Episcopal Rehabilitation and Skilled Nursing Center in Brooklyn last week after the AP reported that the home was swollen to nearly double its 240-bed licensed capacity with evacuees from the storm-damaged Rockaway Care Center on the Queens seashore.

As of Christmas, many of those patients were still sleeping, field-hospital style, on rows of cots squeezed into community rooms, a rehabilitation gym and the nursing home’s tiny chapel.

The state’s Office of Long Term Care Ombudsman also dispatched a representative to check on conditions. State Health Department officials were independently investigating how one patient walked out of the facility unnoticed on a cold Friday night, only to turn up at a hospital two days later.

Separately, a legal aid group, MFY Legal Services, is questioning why disabled and elderly residents of Belle Harbor Manor, an adult care home in Queens, were still being asked to sign over most of their monthly Social Security checks to the facility to cover room and board even though they have been flooded out of their rooms since Halloween.

After the storm, those residents were sent to an emergency shelter, then to an overcrowded hotel, and finally to a halfway house for the mentally ill. During that time, many residents have continued to pay rent to Belle Harbor Manor.

“We haven’t had any services in the last three months. But he has been getting our rent. What I want to know is, ‘Where is this money going?'” asked resident Alex Woods, 57. “After what we went through, he should be paying us.”

MFY senior lawyer Shelly Weizman said it isn’t clear whether residents are legally obligated to keep paying when they have effectively been evicted by the storm.

At Belle Harbor and many other adult care homes in New York, residents sign an agreement when they first arrive that obligates them to turn over their Social Security checks to the facility, which uses most of the money to cover housing and care. Administrators return a small portion to the residents in the form of an allowance.

Now, Weizman said, “they are paying, but they aren’t getting the services. It is a confusing situation.”

Residents got their latest benefit checks on Jan. 3. A few did decide to withhold their January rent payment, which for many residents was around $1,200, Weizman said.

The phone rang unanswered Friday in the administrative office at Belle Harbor Manor, as it has since the storm. The president of the nonprofit company that controls the home, Samuel Aschkenazi, declined to talk with the AP and referred questions to another board member, who didn’t return messages or answer his telephone. The home’s accountant also did not return calls.

A spokeswoman for Episcopal Health Services, which owns the Bishop Hucles nursing home, said administrators expect the state will give the Rockaway Care Center approval to reopen in about a week, clearing the way for patients to return.

In the meantime, the number of evacuees staying at Bishop Hucles has dropped from 187 to 136, said the spokeswoman, Penny Chin. She said that the state Health Department had been aware from the start that the nursing home had taken on so many extra patients, and had approved the situation.

More than 6,200 people were evacuated from 47 nursing and adult care homes because of the Oct. 29 storm, according to state health officials. At least hundreds are still displaced, living in different nursing homes or other temporary facilities.

Several of the Belle Harbor evacuees, who are a mix of the elderly and people with mild psychiatric disorders, told the AP that they have found the staff at the halfway house kindly, but the setting isolating and overly restrictive. They cannot have visitors in their rooms. Most haven’t been able to retrieve their belongings from Belle Harbor.

It was unclear when residents might return to Belle Harbor, which is undergoing a gut renovation and replacing heating, electrical and fire suppression systems ruined in the flood. New York City’s Buildings Department inspected it Friday and concluded that the work was about halfway done.

“They had been telling people they were going home in a week,” said Kristine Rakowsky, a volunteer who has been serving as an advocate for the residents, visiting them daily and trying to help them with needs such as fresh clothing and medical supplies. “Now there is no end in sight.”

Farming in Brooklyn Part One: Community Outreach with Cornell University

Red Hook Brooklyn's Added Value Farm Is Open For 2011 Season

Thursday, July 7th 2011 – Brooklyn, NY – Last Saturday I spent my first weekend of the season with Linda Marie Ameroso and Cornell University’s Cooperative Extension focusing on community outreach for Red Hook’s CSA, a supportive arm of Added Value. My involvement with Added Value began early in 2010 as a CSA member, buying in and getting a half share in 2010 (locally grown and sourced organic produce, herbs, eggs and fruit). Last fall, I was approached by the CSA core group to with the hopes of bolstering their community outreach. Added Value Farm fills CSA orders and provides nutritious foods to families in the 11231 zip code. The CSA Core Group consists of about a half a dozen people, each with a specific role who executes all of the needs of the CSA while interacting with and reporting directly to Added Value’s Ian Marvy and Kristen Shafenacker.

Our learning station, overseen by Brooklyn Food Coalition‘s David Buckel and Cornell University provides information about our “Vegetable of the Week” (available for purchase and locally grown), nutrition, diet, how to properly wash and prepare fruit and vegetables to avoid bacterial contamination, portions, steps to take to reduce sodium and easy recipes – in English and Spanish – featuring the vegetable of the week.

The Learning Station sign with market and CSA in background.

Learning station set up and ready for "Red Hook Walks The Talk" walking tours to stop by. Beyond the green beds, IKEA is visible in the background.

My favorite motto: “Make half of your plate plants!”

www.choosemyplate.gov

Do you want to save money – and be sure your food is safe – with your own homemade veggie wash spray? Get a spare spray bottle with a mix of 3 parts water, 1 part vinegar, 1 part lemon juice and a bit of salt or baking soda.  Then include a spritz when following the directions below.  Please note: it is not good to cut vegetable stems and then soak them in water as bacteria can travel into the vegetable and contaminate it from within.  A bowl of cold water and the repeated “dip” is a great way to be sure gravel on spinach and other greens doesn’t make it to your dinner plate.

Simple instructions. For example, cantaloupe needs a good scrub as it is typically houses bacteria on its skin. When you cut it and it isn't scrubbed, the knife "drags" the bacteria through the flesh of the fruit. A vegetable brush can be purchased anywhere from Crate & Barrel to a dollar store. To clean it when it gets funky, soak in a bleach and water solution. You can also do this when your sponge starts to smell or for dishes with tough stains.

My first veggie of the week: Bok Choy!

Also called Chinese cabbage, bok choy is an excellent source of calcium.

And with Added Value, which also provides vital work opportunities for teens including the green jobs of tomorrow (they learn about growing food, recycling, greenhouses and organic composting systems), I hope to make an impact in 2011 and build relationships with our healthy counterparts, as different from me as they may be, to strengthen our community’s health, diversity, sustainability, communication and education.

Why? According to the National Poverty Center and a 2008 University of Michigan’s findings, 19% of American youth lives in poverty (or 14.1 million individuals). The population of Red Hook is 11,000.  A large number – 8,000 –  live in the Red Hook houses (East and West combined).  The average annual salary for this population is $15,200.  According to the American Community Survey, “the 2009 nationwide poverty rate was 14.3 percent, up from 13.2 percent, and that was the second statistically-significant annual increase since 2004”.  With 44 million people living in poverty, that’s about one in every seven Americans.  According to Sam Roberts, urban affairs correspondent for The New York Times, “the official poverty definition is an income of $10,800 for a single adult, or $22,000 for a family of four.  In New York City the threshold for two adults and two children is $21,000.” He continues, “One of the interesting things about the poverty rate in New York City is if it had not been for food stamps, probably another 250 thousand New Yorkers would have been officially in poverty in 2009.”

And our challenge in 2011: how to get information “into” the Red Hook Houses to educate and inform its 8,000 residents about healthier eating, diet related disease and illness prevention and encourage them to shop at the farm market.  And if eligible, use SNAP, EBT and Food Stamp benefits to purchase good, affordable food locally.  Added Value’s Ian Marvy has said, “It’s driving home the idea of fresher food for less money, right down the block.”  Both the farm and CSA (although closed to new members until 2012) both accept food stamp benefits.  Interested parties should refer to www.snaptomarket.com and search by zip code to find nearby farm markets in their community that currently accept benefits.

For me, all of my notes taken and research begins here, as we see on July 2nd when our group engaged two community members who – animated as they are – are on the right track to good health and wellness.  What you’ll also see is an up-close-and-personal glimpse into the Learning Station’s goals in action.  Also, if you’re over the age of 51 or have anyone in your family with diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure or kidney disease, please be sure to share this video with them.  Besides, the women are hilarious and worth watching.  (Notably,”I ain’t dying.”)

A mother entertains her son with bubbles at the Children's Station. A scavenger hunt is also available for kids, with the prize being a lovely plant to take home and watch grow.

He caught me taking his picture.

Sylvie and Michael Shannon enjoy the Children's Station and do some drawing.

A patron of the farm market stocks up on locally sourced, organic produce and looks to be contemplating her next ingredient.

A community member weeds the vegetable beds at Red Hook, Brooklyn's Added Value Farm.

Visit the farm (map and location here) by taking the free IKEA ferry from Pier 17 in Manhattan.  Since IKEA is across the street from the farm, you can follow any of these directions to get there.  The farm is open from 9am to 4pm on Saturdays.  Compost welcome! I’ll be there on Saturday, July 9th from 9am until 1pm or so.  And the vegetable of the week: celery! Learn how to skillfully remove the string and pick up some produce for your own culinary experiments.  And remember, enjoy your food!

Kiki On Casey Anthony (On Associated Content)

Casey Anthony Wins My Heart - I don't have any friends who can rock the flag like this.

My two cents, international-style.

I knew watching all of that justice porn would pay off.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8208989/quote_round_up_facebook_reacts_to_casey.html?cat=17

Special thanks to Bryan Lauas of Everbrite Mercantile Company for referring to my insatiable penchant for proceedings and coining the term “justice porn”.

Casey Anthony is relieved after being acquitted on the felony counts - and her life spared - in an Orlando, Florida courtroom on July 5th, 2011.

The Beach, Fleet Week and a Horse Named Sebastian

Oh, Coney Island.  Despite the sometimes unsavory sand-side neighbor or two (or group of teenagers) the place still has its charms.   Like when you’re minding your own business, quietly reading a JFK biography and suddenly some nearby roughhousing –  involving throwing a kicking and screaming girl into the water – exposes a breast.  And at the same moment a helicopter appears, flying very low, and the people on the beach are momentarily torn between which is more exciting to look at.   For me, it was the chopper.  With my neighborhood plagued by excessive helicopter noise, I hope sharing it will cathartically help me appreciate the machine for its ability to spot distressed swimmers and not hate it for the otherwise constant disruption of my quality of life at home.

Later, after finding a great parking space and waiting on multiple lines in the unseasonable swelter to get on the Intrepid’s pier, I enjoyed some swing dancing.

I walked to the end of the pier and took in the sights, including the Concorde. Much like the Mona Lisa, it is remarkably smaller in real life.  The people-watching was mostly tourists and military recruiters, so I stood along the railing and got my lean on.   To my left appeared this dynamic duo, and when they bounced away in their freaky future shoes, I just had to capture the absurdity.   Although, as life did not loan me the body of a leggy French supermodel, I am quite curious what it would be like to be that tall in a crowd.  Perhaps then I would not be so uncomfortable in crowds? Noted, and please take a moment to imagine me at a concert at Summerstage in Central Park sporting these contraptions, a unitard, and holding a lighter.

In addition to Army recruiters there were also seamen helping children make little boats…

And then they showed them how they control the weather using a pool and fans.

After I got too hot on the pier, I made my way to Times Square with my camera (since I was in the area).  It was such a nice afternoon! While crossing 10th Avenue I heard a horse in distress, and I looked around.  I saw a mounted officer talking to some Marines on the corner as they waited to cross, and continued on.  After making my way across the avenue, I heard the whinny again and looked around.  I found this horse tied against the fence, and he was really anxious.  (Of course) he had seen his stable mate down the way and was calling out, wanting to “join the herd”.  I calmed him down, hung out with him, and went to a bar to get a container of water for him.  I spent an hour alone with a horse today, and it was very good for my soul.  I love New York.  And horses.

A Bidding We Will Go: Jon Stewart, Puppets and Providing What’s Missing In America’s Public Schools

UPDATE: A total of $96, 270.50 was raised for the cause.  Great work by all!

 

A few months ago I received the honor of assisting the Story Pirates with their fundraiser, the 3rd annual After School Special with Jon Stewart at Symphony Space on Friday, May 20th.  The show, beginning at 6pm, will also feature Ana Gasteyer (Saturday Night Live, Wicked), John Oliver (Community, The Daily Show) Mike Birbiglia (Sleepwalk With Me), Josh Gad (The Book of Mormon), and Kristen Schaal (Flight of the Conchords, Toy Story 3) and the Story Pirates to bring to life stories written by kids in the audience (this is also what they travel the country doing in America’s public schools).  There will also be a secret guest who can’t be billed because their June Summerstage gig calls for a blackout. I wonder if this is at all helpful to the artist or others, or if it is some sort of venue tyranny, but that’s a separate blog entry.

For the last few weeks I have called upon all of my successful friends and counterparts and helped, among other things, build a pretty impressive list of auction items.   Most of them were excited to donate, and that makes me so proud of and grateful for the incredible people in my life (even those who are too busy releasing a new album and touring the world).  The link to the auction site is here and closes on May 19th (this Thursday).  If you have a moment to take a look, there are some really unique items up for grabs.

Special thanks to friends CAKE, Morgan Spurlock (who even gave me mustache hairs because the Pirates asked and he understands how funny that is), Michael Musto, Gary Belsky (ESPN The Magazine), Jonathan Ames, Molly Crabapple, Reggie Watts, Mike Doughty and the entire Story Pirates team – and supporters!

For discounted tickets to the show with Jon Stewart, enter KIKI for $25 off each ticket when you check out here and join us! The after party downtown will feature celebrity guest DJs and be a lot of fun.  Especially since Lou Reed will be at Symphony Space and we can finally talk it out about him crushing my hand at St. Ann’s Warehouse this winter in that epic handshake that shook my reality.

http://www.symphonyspace.org/event/6794-the-after-school-special

Sugar Ants Up In Here: Spring In Brooklyn

Hooray, hooray ’tis the season for sugar ants in Brooklyn.  Luckily, any sugar I have for baking is stored in air tight containers so the little pests can’t invade my stash.  No sugary snacks hiding out in the cupboard, either.   But trust me, and this is from experience, if you forgot a candy cane somewhere after a holiday party, the ants will find it  for you and and dig in, and the resulting tiny-ants-everywhere can get pretty frustrating.  What to do?

Kill them.  The ants were first noticed late last week, marching in squiggly lines along the grain of my wood floors.  I tried to find their source, and also their destination, but to no avail. I also tried bargaining with a few of them, but they ignored me.  I realize some might say those ants could very well be the reincarnated energy of one of my relatives or friends or any other human for that matter, but I doubt it.  But if I am wrong, consider me the harbinger of their next, better life.   I had saved some Raid traps from last year and put them out.  And I prayed.

When I got back into town after a few days away, the little guys were still present. Not in an infestation sort of way, mind you.  Just being present in an otherwise insect-free apartment is unsettling.  Their numbers pale in comparison to last spring  as sugar ants typically nest in the foundation of old buildings and pop in through the cracks, beginning on the first floor and then making their way to the top.  No one is safe, even very clean people like me.

It looks as though the ants are coming in through the electrical outlet.   I braved the parking lot of Lowe’s on 9th Street in Brooklyn to fetch some more traps.  I recall last spring that the ant presence, with tiny and perfectly formed thorax , left me feeling like I was on a bad acid trip. Little ants.  Here and there.  Everywhere. I was glad this spring was different, but what can I do as an alternative to plastic traps (so wasteful).

I mentioned the ants to a neighbor and she told me about her own trick: boric acid. We both commented on boric acid’s effectiveness in treating yeast infections; a natural remedy her doctor recommended that I have researched but have not yet had the opportunity to, shall we say, self-experiment with. She gave me what she had left.  I began my research. You can find boric acid next to the band aids at your local pharmacy.  Or call your local hardware store. (Buy local.)

Here is the recipe I used to get rid of sugar ants:

1 and 1/2 cups of water, hot

1/2 cup sugar

1 and 1/2 tablespoons boric acid

Mix the sugar and boric acid well.   Add the water slowly so it isn’t lumpy. I took my small whisk and it was diluted in no time at all.   Take cotton balls and soak them in the mixture, then place them in the lid of a jar.  I used a saucer turned upside down and made sure to leave a “trail” of the death juice so they could find it ASAP.  Although it is just a tad more toxic than table salt to humans (and caffeine is  14 times more toxic) it is best to keep children and pets away from this organic remedy.  The great thing is you can put the sweet filled lids up on a shelf and rest assured, the ants will eventually find it and your pets and kids won’t be able to reach it.

My neighbor pointed out that right there on the jar it says “poison”. She also noted that her vagina, after inserting emptied gel capsules of boric acid to stop the infection, had survived unscathed and fresh as a daisy. I’m not sure what she has written on the label, but I believe it says “goods”, (unintelligible) and “job”.

I carefully mix the ant death recipe and dip cotton balls into it. I place them on the floor.  I prepare for the ants to take notice and congregate.   The concept is that the ratio of boric acid must be small enough to allow for the ants to eat the mixture and report back to the queen, feeding her the poison, too. After some time, the boric acid affects their metabolism and is abrasive to their exoskeleton. Basically it solidifies in the ant and it dies (and hopefully after delivering the food to the queen).

Here they are, sort of pretty, before I put the cotton balls on a plate.  I wanted to see how long it took them, and they got there in five minutes.  Some even started eating the lump of boric acid.  See?

Goodbye, ants.  They should be gone in less than 24 hours.  Thank you, science! And neighbors!