Actress Lindsay Lohan in a stretch pants fashion disaster.

I had been cooped up indoors watching Netflix on demand and sick for an entire week. I even missed Halloween. In fact, I felt a lot like Rip Van Winkle, falling asleep after a trip to Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center’s Emergency Room (clean, fast and highly recommended) during a pre-Halloween freak snowstorm and waking up on a nearly 60-degree sunny day in November. Loaded up on antibiotics, pain medication and utterly exhausted, the unseasonably warm weather that lured me out of hiding for the first time since last Saturday also meant that I really didn’t care what I had on: I was doing light yoga and then just running out for a moment to deliver a wireless router to a neighbor who needed it while grabbing a strong drip coffee from Fort Defiance. I figured the exercise, fresh air and caffeine would do me some good. My problem? For starters, I have been known to publicly (and on stage) chide those wearing stretch pants as pants. And here I am outside of my apartment in them. Next, with this article in today’s Brooklyn Paper quoting me about producing shows at a venue that is now a (sneaky) strip club, I was asked to say a few words on camera about the matter for a local affiliate. Lucky for me, the reporter was a darling and my stretch pants are the color of denim. To the untrained eye they could pass as very, very, very tight jeans. And even better yet, according to the New York Times, it’s okay to wear yoga pants in public. Or even to work!

From the Times article:

“On the runways, we have seen luxury sweatpants designed by Alexander Wang ($120) and Michael Kors ($1,000), plus cashmere leggings by Donna Karan ($495). And last October, PajamaJeans, a cotton and spandex boot-cut flared legging shaped to look like jeans, made its debut on direct-response infomercials and the Internet. Steve Heroux, the chief executive of Hampton Direct, which markets PajamaJeans, said that the company has sold hundreds of thousands of pairs and that sales have been increasing in the triple digits each month. “People are living in them,” Mr. Heroux said. “They’re wearing them for just about every occasion, whether they’re going to the movies, a restaurant, doing errands or dropping off the kids. People tell us they’re also sleeping in them.”

Elastic-waist pants were extremely chic in the 1980s.

The lesson: Always dress to be photographed. That’s what Gwen Stefani does, heading to the mailbox dripping in couture. That is unless you are a New Yorker who doesn’t mind looking like you’re fresh off the set of Flashdance across three states on the five o’clock news. To be honest, it really doesn’t bother me. Even the guy I passed who mentioned that my “pants have no pockets” charmed me some. I learned today that there’s nothing more comfy and practical than stretch pants when you spend your life in dresses, fishnets and heels. But you know, I can probably never again roll my eyes when I see those signature VPL’s (visible panty lines, which I learned today is a common fetish in Japan). At least there was no “JUICY” or “PINK” scribbled across my derriere, and they were opaque cotton: If you’re going to take your lycra to the street, be sure that your pants are not revealing whatever you’re wearing – or not – underneath them.

Stretch jogging pants from Juicy, commonly spotted on Long Island and throughout The Garden State and often paired with UGGS.

Audrina Patridge en route to dance rehearsal dressed in a very similar outfit to what I wore on TV today.

It wouldn

Actress Kate Beckinsale rocks the "Kiki Valentine"

To be invited to the screening please email kikicares at gmail.com.

Casey Anthony with daughter Caylee Anthony, whose death still remains a mystery.

While the wrath of her release from prison early Sunday morning has now generated vast pages of speculation as to where she my be hiding, her lawyer J, Cheney Mason speaks candidly with reporters about death threats and how the case gained attention because Anthony is “a cute white girl… with a cute white baby”.  But for those who love justice porn, yet another high profile case is about to take center stage.  And the action is already well underway.

Accused of the involuntary manslaughter of pop icon Michael Jackson, the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray – who has plead not guilty of Jackson’s death on June 25, 2009 by an overdose of propofol and other sedatives – has lawyer J. Michael Flanagan begging for a sequestered jury with the hopes of protecting them from news commentators.   Not to mention also aiming to protect them from the hours of archived footage of Jackson that will not (and could not ever)  be entered into evidence, much of which will act as b-roll for what is expected to be explosive, worldwide media attention on television, online and in print. (This would seem to exclude the Illuminati’s alleged hand in the death of the King of Pop, demonstrated by this video and viewed over 1.2 million times on YouTube.)

A young and innocent Michael Jackson, already a superstar.

According to Marcia Clark, prosecutor for the infamous OJ Simpson trial, a sequestered jury doesn’t always spell success in the realm of justice.  In a July 8th, 2011 article appearing on Business Insider, Clark explains, “When jurors are forced to spend day and night with each other, apart from their families and friends, they become a tribe unto themselves.  Because they only have each other for company, and because most people prefer harmony to discord, there’s a natural desire to cooperate, to compromise in order to reach agreement.  And they have no safe retreat.  If they disagree with their fellow jurors, they can’t go home to a husband, a wife, a friend, where they can regroup and marshal their energies.”

Marcia Clark during the 1995 OJ Simpson trial in which the defendant was acquitted by a jury.

Feeling the crunch just as New York City’s court system is, due to a staggering budget crisis the notoriously glitzy county of Los Angeles can’t afford to pay for jurors to stay in a hotel, instead trusting that those individuals can and will, on their own, ignore the attention, speculation, footage and opinions expressed by the public and media.  In fact specifically mentioned by Murray’s council is another woman who often finds herself in the cross hairs, Nancy Grace, a former prosecutor-cum-pundit who has been revered and lambasted by the public and media due to her passionate, non-stop, three-year long coverage of Anthony, whom she dubbed “Tot Mom”.  Grace also wasted precious airtime on the faux Casey Anthony sighting today in Florida, although this cost was undoubtedly recovered during ratings, but nothing like the throngs of people watching every tear fall and objection for one month this summer.  In the end, one must wonder if the prank could damage Casey-watchers’ faith -and interest – if false reports become the norm.  Plus, Fitzgerald argues, the fact that unlike Anthony, Jackson was a public figure known the world over for decades before his death.  According to WAVY.com, “Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor asked if Flanagan would want jurors sequestered around the clock during the trial…the lawyer responded, ‘Every time Nancy Grace is on TV.’  Pastor also agreed to visit Sony Pictures Studios and review ten hours of footage from Jackson’s last film, “This Is It”, which the defense would like to enter into evidence.

And we can see, thanks to Casey Anthony’s acquittal, new questions about the current jury system once again begin to surface.  How is it possible that in Florida, the case of an anonymous single mother who had a hand in the death of her 2-year-old required not only sequestering a jury for two months – one that required pooling outside of the court’s Orlando jurisdiction –  but in Los Angeles, California jurors can freely live life as though they’re just reporting to lunch and a show? And what does the Constitution have to say about this?  Could Thomas Jefferson have overlooked an important detail when organizing our judicial system? Possibly.

It seems that there is no constitutional right to jury sequestration.   Even better yet, a  judge’s decision not to sequester a jury can’t be changed unless there’s a showing of prejudice.  So yes, technically we can protect Casey Anthony’s life by selecting a jury and keeping them away from all media influence for nearly 60 days, yet allow another jury to hang out, business as usual, and trust that they will ignore the attention surrounding a person who might be responsible for killing quite possibly the planet’s most beloved, misunderstood performer – and a father to three children.  And don’t forget how much money jurors stand to make sharing their stories after the decision has been made.   What a Constitutional conundrum!

From Left to Right: Michael Joseph Jackson Jr (commonly known as Prince), his sister Paris-Michael Katherine and Prince Michael Jackson II (nicknamed "Blanket")

Here is an excellent message detailing what is expected of a juror from Constitution.org.  My father always says everyone should read the Constitution once a year.  So here it is for you.  Take advantage of the summer harvest and cozy up with a Raspberry Lime Rickey  - I  like to use homemade lemon simple syrup and you can substitute any citrus fruit you like – get inventive! – and reacquaint yourself with this document that dictates so much of your everyday life as an American.

Scene at the signing of the Constitution

One scene of reactions to OJ Simpson's 1995 acquittal.

Scene outside of Orlando courtroom when Casey Anthony was acquitted.

July 13th, 2011 – Brooklyn, NY – Last night after dinner I received a text message from Notify NYC, a service provided by the New York City Office of Emergency Management alerting that there was a missing child in Brooklyn.  An Orthodox Jewish boy named Leiby Kletzky, initially reported to be nine, begged his mother to allow him to walk the seven blocks from his day camp to meet her at a doctor’s office and vanished.   I emailed myself the link and immediately shared it on Facebook.  I, like most, have a love/hate relationship with social networking but can’t deny its success rate regarding the expedient delivery of news and information.  Example: I had found out about the death of Michael Jackson while ankle-deep in brackish and volunteering with the Red Hook Boaters when a tween intern picked up his phone and read it as someone’s status on AIM.

Leiby Kletzky was kidnapped walking to meet his mother and found dead two days later, in the early morning hours of July 13th, 2011.

But social networking did not bring a resolution to eight-year-old Leiby Kletzky’s disappearance, it was good old-fashioned detective work that quickly solved the case.  Deftly carried out by the NYPD’s top ranking officials and with the help of surveillance cameras in the area where the child was last seen on Monday.   Had those cameras not been there, the suspect, Levi Aron – who turns 35 today and has implicated himself in the crime – would likely have avoided capture.  And once Aron was seen with the boy, who looked to be asking for directions, footage from other cameras in the area was reviewed and the suspect was seen exiting a nearby dentist office.  After determining which of the five dentists whose offices were in the shared suite had a transaction with the suspect, and the vehicle was found and plates were identified, both the person who paid a bill with a credit card at the dentist and the owner of the 1990 gold Honda Accord were consistent – and pointed at Levi Aron, pictured below.

An unfortunate foible is that the family waited so long to call 911 after the child went missing, instead calling the Shomrim, a volunteer civilian patrol sanctioned by the NYPD’s Community Affairs.  The Jewish community seems to have a historically mistrusting and fragile relationship with authorities in general, especially the NYPD.  So this community had formed their own police to support the NYPD and provide additional safety.  That the local authorities were not immediately notified and thus unable to appear on the scene to begin a thorough investigation until nearly three hours after the boy was taken, to me, is a waste of valuable time that may have changed the outcome.  Sadly, we will never know.  The Shomrim did provide the license plate number for police, which was essential in “connecting the dots” and finding Aron along with this surveillance where the boy is seen walking and another where the boy can be seen waiting seven minutes for Aron while he goes into the dentist office to pay the bill.  Police Commissioner Ray Kelly seemed frustrated by the Shomrim handling the disappearance before the NYPD in his press conference earlier today, and perhaps in a bit of foreshadowing, added, “We have no record of this man being reported [as a pedophile].”

According to rumors swirling on social media and alternative news sites, Aron is also known to be in the center of past allegations of child molestation that the Orthodox community “covered up” and “never acted upon”. Listen to NYPD Commisioner Kelly’s entire news conference and Q&A here by clicking on the grey tab.  Below, we see Kelly fielding questions from reporters including, “How often does a stranger kidnapping take place in the city?” to which Kelly answers, “Very, very, very rarely…this is obviously every parent’s nightmare.”

And for many New Yorkers, Leiby’s story sounds eerily similar to another child’s disappearance, that of six-year-old Etan Patz- the first to be put on a milk carton.  On May 25, 1979  Etan left for school from his SoHo home two blocks away from the bus stop for the first time, never to return or be seen alive again.  In the Patz case one suspect, Jose Antonio Ramos, was identified but never charged.   Ramos has been incarcerated since 1990 in Pennsylvania for molesting two boys and is slated for release in November 2012.  The Manhattan District Attorney’s office had reopened the investigation in May 2010, and perhaps the evolution of technology can somehow aid in a future conviction of that offender, who has taunted investigators since 1982 when he became a suspect yet left behind zero trace evidence and had eluded to destroying Etan’s body but has never completely confessed to the crime.

Missing child Etan Patz at the time of his disappearance in 1979 in New York City. He was legally declared dead in 2001.

The news of the throngs of community members who traveled from the Catskills, Monsey and other areas to search for little Leiby was touching but seems to have ultimately caused the kidnapper to panic.  It was then Aron killed the child.  The autopsy started at 9:30am on Wednesday and cause of death has not yet been published, and Aron, in a 450-word handwritten confession, later admitted to suffocating the boy with a towel and dismembering the child with a knife, then bringing half of his remains – in a garbage bag within a red suitcase – to a dumpster about two miles away from the attic apartment he lived in above his parents.   The rest of the young victim, including the child’s feet, remained at the Aron’s home, in his freezer.

Assemblymen Dov Hikind and Peter Abbate, along with the Shomrim and other religious and community leaders had put out a reward of $100,000 for information about the child’s disappearance.  Hikind, who often speaks on behalf of the community, says that the boy’s death is “a tragedy today for everyone in New York.”  Of course those commenting about it on Facebook are saddened, outraged and disgusted. Sentiments such as ” I am heartbroken by this news”, “unfathomable tragedy” and many questioning the idea of allowing an almost-nine-year-old to walk seven blocks alone are expressed.  In a thread I was a part of, I said:

“A big part of me thinks that a kid should be able to go meet his mother without being coerced into a vehicle by a stranger. It’s a terrible fate for this boy, and I do not think blaming the parents is the right position to take. I have cared for many little ones in my life and think NYC is too dangerous and limiting for the natural curiosities that kids deserve to safely explore. The diversity and culture is important, but those natural aspects of development are scientifically more important to me. Those things shouldn’t only happen on a fenced-in playground or safe in their bedrooms. We haven’t evolved from that.”

Has the city we live in become so unsafe that we must guard ourselves and our children from so much as setting foot outside alone?   Does this mean the “helicopter parents” are right in their absurd constant monitoring of and attention to their children?  Is the “surveillance state” in which we live somehow justified since the videos were so important in apprehending the perpetrator?   And could Leiby Kletzky’s murder have been prevented if his mother did not allow him to walk seven blocks to meet her, even though he was to turn nine this month? Considering the whispers of ignored allegations, how many community members knew of what Aron was capable of before this crime took place? If those people exist, they should be most ashamed today.

This isn’t the story of prostitutes using Craigslist and putting themselves in danger, or of terrorists embarking on a mission to destroy America by way of the Big Apple.  This is an example that even within a safe and protected community, even much more than what we are accustomed to, a monster can lurk.  And statistically, are the chances of this type of heinous murder happening so low that there is in fact no way to prevent or defend against this sort of crime, shy of never letting anyone you love out of your sight ever again? And perhaps this ghoulish act reinforces that the concept of community police is not effective in all cases, and that the Orthodox community needs to realize that they can’t totally secede from the society they exist within and around when they NYPD is clearly more equipped to handle these cases with special task forces.

And if Aron had not provided a full and detailed confession of the crime, at least in 2011 we have the power of forensics to determine the time frame surrounding the homicide.  Unfortunately for Etan Putz, in 1979 cameras were not a large part of New York City’s streets, there were no witnesses to his abduction and his body was never recovered.  Along with technology and law enforcement, that this similar tragedy shows the power of community support on a local level, which is a very important to me, is also a double-edged sword: as compassionate people we are inclined to do all we can to help find a child, but it is not impossible that had Aron not seen the missing posters and panicked, he may not have killed.  No matter the reasons, even if the last time something this horrible took place was over three decades ago, it is indeed a sad day for New York City.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE

Here is the list of registered New York State registered sex offenders, searchable by name, address OR zip code:

http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/SomsSUBDirectory/search_index.jsp

Here is the national sex offender registry, also searchable by name, address or zip code:

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

And here are all of the children in New York State who are missing: http://www.criminaljustice.state.ny.us/missing/alpha1.htm

Watch the NYPD’s statement here:

UPDATE 7/20/11:
From Reuters:
“The New York City Medical Examiner’s office said that Kletzky was drugged with antipsychotic pills, a muscle relaxant, pain relievers and Tylenol before he was smothered.
Prosecutors have begun presenting evidence to a grand jury in state Supreme Court in Brooklyn but declined to speculate on when an indictment might be returned. Aron has pleaded not guilty to charges of kidnapping and first-degree murder and was held without bail and placed on suicide watch.”

From Gothamist.com:

“Levi Aron, the man who confessed to killing and dismembering 8-year-old Hasidic boy Leiby Kletzky last week, was handed down an eight-count indictment—including two counts of first-degree murder, three counts of second-degree murder, two counts of first-degree kidnapping and one count of second-degree kidnapping – by a grand jury today.”

UPDATE 7/15/11: ARON LEVI IS ARRAIGNED, DEFENSE CLAIMS HE ‘HEARS VOICES’ AND REQUESTS A ’730 EXAM’ (PENAL CODE BELOW), JUDGE DEEMS HE SHOULD BE ON SUICIDE WATCH

§ 730.10 Fitness to proceed; definitions. As used in this article, the following terms have the following meanings:
1. “Incapacitated person” means a defendant who as a result of mental disease or defect lacks capacity to understand the proceedings against him or to assist in his own defense.
2. “Order of examination” means an order issued to an appropriate director by a criminal court wherein a criminal action is pending against a defendant, or by a family court pursuant to section 322.1 of the family court act wherein a juvenile delinquency proceeding is pending against a juvenile, directing that such person be examined for the purpose of determining if he is an incapacitated person.

UPDATE 7/14/11: NYPD RELEASES LEVI ARON’S CONFESSION, EDITED TO REMOVE PARTS OF AN EXTREMELY GRAPHIC NATURE (THE UNEDITED CONFESSION WILL LIKELY NEVER BE RELEASED BUT IF IT IS, I WILL POST)

Red Hook Brooklyn's Added Value Farm Is Open For 2011 Season

Thursday, July 7th 2011 – Brooklyn, NY – Last Saturday I spent my first weekend of the season with Linda Marie Ameroso and Cornell University’s Cooperative Extension focusing on community outreach for Red Hook’s CSA, a supportive arm of Added Value. My involvement with Added Value began early in 2010 as a CSA member, buying in and getting a half share in 2010 (locally grown and sourced organic produce, herbs, eggs and fruit). Last fall, I was approached by the CSA core group to with the hopes of bolstering their community outreach. Added Value Farm fills CSA orders and provides nutritious foods to families in the 11231 zip code. The CSA Core Group consists of about a half a dozen people, each with a specific role who executes all of the needs of the CSA while interacting with and reporting directly to Added Value’s Ian Marvy and Kristen Shafenacker.

Our learning station, overseen by Brooklyn Food Coalition‘s David Buckel and Cornell University provides information about our “Vegetable of the Week” (available for purchase and locally grown), nutrition, diet, how to properly wash and prepare fruit and vegetables to avoid bacterial contamination, portions, steps to take to reduce sodium and easy recipes – in English and Spanish – featuring the vegetable of the week.

The Learning Station sign with market and CSA in background.

Learning station set up and ready for "Red Hook Walks The Talk" walking tours to stop by. Beyond the green beds, IKEA is visible in the background.

My favorite motto: “Make half of your plate plants!”

Do you want to save money – and be sure your food is safe – with your own homemade veggie wash spray? Get a spare spray bottle with a mix of 3 parts water, 1 part vinegar, 1 part lemon juice and a bit of salt or baking soda.  Then include a spritz when following the directions below.  Please note: it is not good to cut vegetable stems and then soak them in water as bacteria can travel into the vegetable and contaminate it from within.  A bowl of cold water and the repeated “dip” is a great way to be sure gravel on spinach and other greens doesn’t make it to your dinner plate.

Simple instructions. For example, cantaloupe needs a good scrub as it is typically houses bacteria on its skin. When you cut it and it isn't scrubbed, the knife "drags" the bacteria through the flesh of the fruit. A vegetable brush can be purchased anywhere from Crate & Barrel to a dollar store. To clean it when it gets funky, soak in a bleach and water solution. You can also do this when your sponge starts to smell or for dishes with tough stains.

My first veggie of the week: Bok Choy!

Also called Chinese cabbage, bok choy is an excellent source of calcium.

And with Added Value, which also provides vital work opportunities for teens including the green jobs of tomorrow (they learn about growing food, recycling, greenhouses and organic composting systems), I hope to make an impact in 2011 and build relationships with our healthy counterparts, as different from me as they may be, to strengthen our community’s health, diversity, sustainability, communication and education.

Why? According to the National Poverty Center and a 2008 University of Michigan’s findings, 19% of American youth lives in poverty (or 14.1 million individuals). The population of Red Hook is 11,000.  A large number – 8,000 -  live in the Red Hook houses (East and West combined).  The average annual salary for this population is $15,200.  According to the American Community Survey, “the 2009 nationwide poverty rate was 14.3 percent, up from 13.2 percent, and that was the second statistically-significant annual increase since 2004″.  With 44 million people living in poverty, that’s about one in every seven Americans.  According to Sam Roberts, urban affairs correspondent for The New York Times, “the official poverty definition is an income of $10,800 for a single adult, or $22,000 for a family of four.  In New York City the threshold for two adults and two children is $21,000.” He continues, “One of the interesting things about the poverty rate in New York City is if it had not been for food stamps, probably another 250 thousand New Yorkers would have been officially in poverty in 2009.”

And our challenge in 2011: how to get information “into” the Red Hook Houses to educate and inform its 8,000 residents about healthier eating, diet related disease and illness prevention and encourage them to shop at the farm market.  And if eligible, use SNAP, EBT and Food Stamp benefits to purchase good, affordable food locally.  Added Value’s Ian Marvy has said, “It’s driving home the idea of fresher food for less money, right down the block.”  Both the farm and CSA (although closed to new members until 2012) both accept food stamp benefits.  Interested parties should refer to www.snaptomarket.com and search by zip code to find nearby farm markets in their community that currently accept benefits.

For me, all of my notes taken and research begins here, as we see on July 2nd when our group engaged two community members who – animated as they are – are on the right track to good health and wellness.  What you’ll also see is an up-close-and-personal glimpse into the Learning Station’s goals in action.  Also, if you’re over the age of 51 or have anyone in your family with diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure or kidney disease, please be sure to share this video with them.  Besides, the women are hilarious and worth watching.  (Notably,”I ain’t dying.”)

A mother entertains her son with bubbles at the Children's Station. A scavenger hunt is also available for kids, with the prize being a lovely plant to take home and watch grow.

He caught me taking his picture.

Sylvie and Michael Shannon enjoy the Children's Station and do some drawing.

A patron of the farm market stocks up on locally sourced, organic produce and looks to be contemplating her next ingredient.

A community member weeds the vegetable beds at Red Hook, Brooklyn's Added Value Farm.

Visit the farm (map and location here) by taking the free IKEA ferry from Pier 17 in Manhattan.  Since IKEA is across the street from the farm, you can follow any of these directions to get there.  The farm is open from 9am to 4pm on Saturdays.  Compost welcome! I’ll be there on Saturday, July 9th from 9am until 1pm or so.  And the vegetable of the week: celery! Learn how to skillfully remove the string and pick up some produce for your own culinary experiments.  And remember, enjoy your food!

Casey Anthony Wins My Heart - I don't have any friends who can rock the flag like this.

My two cents, international-style.

I knew watching all of that justice porn would pay off.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8208989/quote_round_up_facebook_reacts_to_casey.html?cat=17

Special thanks to Bryan Lauas of Everbrite Mercantile Company for referring to my insatiable penchant for proceedings and coining the term “justice porn”.

Casey Anthony is relieved after being acquitted on the felony counts - and her life spared - in an Orlando, Florida courtroom on July 5th, 2011.

UPDATE: A total of $96, 270.50 was raised for the cause.  Great work by all!

A few months ago I received the honor of assisting the Story Pirates with their fundraiser, the 3rd annual After School Special with Jon Stewart at Symphony Space on Friday, May 20th.  The show, beginning at 6pm, will also feature Ana Gasteyer (Saturday Night Live, Wicked), John Oliver (Community, The Daily Show) Mike Birbiglia (Sleepwalk With Me), Josh Gad (The Book of Mormon), and Kristen Schaal (Flight of the Conchords, Toy Story 3) and the Story Pirates to bring to life stories written by kids in the audience (this is also what they travel the country doing in America’s public schools).  There will also be a secret guest who can’t be billed because their June Summerstage gig calls for a blackout. I wonder if this is at all helpful to the artist or others, or if it is some sort of venue tyranny, but that’s a separate blog entry.

For the last few weeks I have called upon all of my successful friends and counterparts and helped, among other things, build a pretty impressive list of auction items.   Most of them were excited to donate, and that makes me so proud of and grateful for the incredible people in my life (even those who are too busy releasing a new album and touring the world).  The link to the auction site is here and closes on May 19th (this Thursday).  If you have a moment to take a look, there are some really unique items up for grabs.

Special thanks to friends CAKE, Morgan Spurlock (who even gave me mustache hairs because the Pirates asked and he understands how funny that is), Michael Musto, Gary Belsky (ESPN The Magazine), Jonathan Ames, Molly Crabapple, Reggie Watts, Mike Doughty and the entire Story Pirates team – and supporters!

For discounted tickets to the show with Jon Stewart, enter KIKI for $25 off each ticket when you check out here and join us! The after party downtown will feature celebrity guest DJs and be a lot of fun.  Especially since Lou Reed will be at Symphony Space and we can finally talk it out about him crushing my hand at St. Ann’s Warehouse this winter in that epic handshake that shook my reality.

http://www.symphonyspace.org/event/6794-the-after-school-special

Kill them.  The ants were first noticed late last week, marching in squiggly lines along the grain of my wood floors.  I tried to find their source, and also their destination, but to no avail. I also tried bargaining with a few of them, but they ignored me.  I realize some might say those ants could very well be the reincarnated energy of one of my relatives or friends or any other human for that matter, but I doubt it.  But if I am wrong, consider me the harbinger of their next, better life.   I had saved some Raid traps from last year and put them out.  And I prayed.

When I got back into town after a few days away, the little guys were still present. Not in an infestation sort of way, mind you.  Just being present in an otherwise insect-free apartment is unsettling.  Their numbers pale in comparison to last spring  as sugar ants typically nest in the foundation of old buildings and pop in through the cracks, beginning on the first floor and then making their way to the top.  No one is safe, even very clean people like me.

It looks as though the ants are coming in through the electrical outlet.   I braved the parking lot of Lowe’s on 9th Street in Brooklyn to fetch some more traps.  I recall last spring that the ant presence, with tiny and perfectly formed thorax , left me feeling like I was on a bad acid trip. Little ants.  Here and there.  Everywhere. I was glad this spring was different, but what can I do as an alternative to plastic traps (so wasteful).

I mentioned the ants to a neighbor and she told me about her own trick: boric acid. We both commented on boric acid’s effectiveness in treating yeast infections; a natural remedy her doctor recommended that I have researched but have not yet had the opportunity to, shall we say, self-experiment with. She gave me what she had left.  I began my research. You can find boric acid next to the band aids at your local pharmacy.  Or call your local hardware store. (Buy local.)

Here is the recipe I used to get rid of sugar ants:

1 and 1/2 cups of water, hot

1/2 cup sugar

1 and 1/2 tablespoons boric acid

Mix the sugar and boric acid well.   Add the water slowly so it isn’t lumpy. I took my small whisk and it was diluted in no time at all.   Take cotton balls and soak them in the mixture, then place them in the lid of a jar.  I used a saucer turned upside down and made sure to leave a “trail” of the death juice so they could find it ASAP.  Although it is just a tad more toxic than table salt to humans (and caffeine is  14 times more toxic) it is best to keep children and pets away from this organic remedy.  The great thing is you can put the sweet filled lids up on a shelf and rest assured, the ants will eventually find it and your pets and kids won’t be able to reach it.

My neighbor pointed out that right there on the jar it says “poison”. She also noted that her vagina, after inserting emptied gel capsules of boric acid to stop the infection, had survived unscathed and fresh as a daisy. I’m not sure what she has written on the label, but I believe it says “goods”, (unintelligible) and “job”.

I carefully mix the ant death recipe and dip cotton balls into it. I place them on the floor.  I prepare for the ants to take notice and congregate.   The concept is that the ratio of boric acid must be small enough to allow for the ants to eat the mixture and report back to the queen, feeding her the poison, too. After some time, the boric acid affects their metabolism and is abrasive to their exoskeleton. Basically it solidifies in the ant and it dies (and hopefully after delivering the food to the queen).

Here they are, sort of pretty, before I put the cotton balls on a plate.  I wanted to see how long it took them, and they got there in five minutes.  Some even started eating the lump of boric acid.  See?

Goodbye, ants.  They should be gone in less than 24 hours.  Thank you, science! And neighbors!

http://kikivalentine.tumblr.com/post/4842800974/a-woman-in-park-slope-brooklyn-narrowly-escapes